I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
