I didn't shave. On purpose
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
