You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
