11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
where am i from again
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
