I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
God, you're like boner-b-gone
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
