Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
