omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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