I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
