i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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