Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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