so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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