I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
