Kiss
Puke
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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