Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
not ubering you a puppy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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