i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
