you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize