Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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