i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
