Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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