nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
