The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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