I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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