update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Someone came in the potted fern
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
