We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
