I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
