Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
