I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
