I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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