We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize