her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
