why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
