So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize