I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
