Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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