i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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