I feel like abortions should bother me more
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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