1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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