You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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