can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
