Whatcha textin bout Willis?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
