Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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