Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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