nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
