Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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