I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
