I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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