the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
