put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
