i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
