Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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