either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
