I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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