I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
