i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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