Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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