thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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